mind over matter

I realize I can tolerate a lot of things thrown at me, but one thing. Insecurity. I hate feeling insecure. the feeling of not having any control in that situations or the fact that i'm suppose to just wait it out not knowing what to expect next. People are always telling me to let it be and somethings would just work out on its own, but seriously that line does not work for me. not yesterday. not today and definitely not tomorrow. I hate being pulled by a string for the longest time and after all of it, still have no reassurance whatsoever. you end up losing me faster then you know it or else you'll end up in a position you do not wish to be in. either way none of them is a pleasant place to be. I can be angry. I can be sad. I can be emotional. but i just cannot. cannot feel insecure.

I wish I had given this tiny little part of me away when I could've, before chances departed and things changed. Well, I'm not entirely sure if things have completely changed, but there's this possibility. And knowing my luck with such matters, it has probably already changed a long time ago. Nonetheless, I need to know, so I'll probably give sometime. To like... rediscover myself.

Omg, that part's mind boggling. I'm so confused right now it isn't even funny.

Anyway, It's gonna be Wednesday in a few hours time. My week's been crazy and will be till the next. My social life is at stake too. with all the random happenings in between.

Monday: Work afternoon shift|1pm-6pm; Training/Match| 6.30pm-8pm; Work| 8pm-10pm

Tuesday: Work morning shift| 7am-4pm; Match| 6pm-8pm; Run| 8pm-9pm

Wednesday: Work morning shift| 7am-2pm; Prof Seminar| 2pm-4pm; Deparment BBQ| 5pm onwards

Thursday: Work morning shift| 7am-8am; DM centre attachment| 8am-1pm; work| 1pm-4pm; tuition| 7pm-9pm

Friday: Work afternoon shift| 1pm-10pm

Saturday: Run, Theatre rehearsal/dance, BN?, Cousin outing

Sunday: Youth| 11am-3pm; Visiting Grannies| 4pm onwards

There goes. Hospital grounds are literally my second home. If you do the calculation, I spent more time there as compared to home. Apart from work commitment, been busy wth trainings and matches, theatre and dance. Mostly rountined. even breakfast now, a bottle of milk without fail to start my day. how awesome...

So here's my end note.

Hopefully, (whatever it is) an eternity of happiness in the near future, although we all know by now that nothing like that will ever happen. Yes, we will all be trapped by the oppressive forces of society and have to live by a set regime of rules. A good thing, actually, measured happiness, measured peace. None of that radical crap that we all secretly yearn for but are afraid of. At least we'll be relatively safe with the rules and set laws.

The clock is ticking. now amplified.

Goodnight.

N.