inhale/exhale

How am i feeling today? well I survived through IVAM assessment this morning, Alhamdulillah. For the rest of the day im not even sure if it's good or bad. Sometimes having not know what God's plan for you for the day or for the rest of the week bugs me a little. It has only been less then a week and so much has already happen. one day can be a good day, while the next can be a bad. Sometimes a good day can easily turn sour within seconds.

It's only been a few days and there's so much memorable and painful moments in my life. How i took one step to move on from one boundary to another. how i made decisions for my future. how i choose to admit and learn from the mistakes i have made but also have taken the time to forgive the people who have done the same to me.

I have to be honest there right now im feeling indifferent to alot of things. Alot on my past, alot on my present and if you might not already guess alot on my future. but im still trying to stand strong and move on.

I realise that i only think of OD-ing whenever i feel like i have something extremely heavy on my heart and when my emotions seem to be going into a completely different direction then where i wish for it to go. and its exactly times like this i really just hate. The time where i curl up into a ball and go back into my hole where i find myself most safe and secure. away from the outside world.

Have you ever felt like your life is just moving constantly, and the happiness you think you have; the happiness you think you possess and feel is just nothing but a fake. A fake frontal. Your just living life day by day with nothing the numbness you thrust upon yourself. To live each day in fear of getting hurt and living a life so quick speed just so you wont have time to stop and think? i'm kinda been doing that and now im paying the consequences. and you know whats the worst part, i dont even know why im not happy. to be honest I actually really dont know why im pouring out my heart on this stupid page but i just feel like i've held it in for so long, its just about time i burst.

One things for sure, somethings never change. I still make stupid mistakes once in awhile and im gonna continue making alot of them, but who doesnt? I still get hurt and i still get angry but i guess thats just really why they call us HUMANS.

I really wish things would get better in life. i really do. i have family. i have friends. i have people who care for me as much as i do for them but why do i still feel this emptiness. This emptiness that is taking away my soul and killing me slowly. i really fear to cry. fear that just from that one tear, the tears wont stop coming down. i'm going to disappear for awhile. i want to.

So ask me again at the end of the day, how my day was and whether it was to be happy, angry or even a day where im in tears. it would be another day i can be me, and it would add another memorable moment in my life, i will one day learn to reflect back on.

Love, N.