formed thoughts and ramblings.

I've never tried missing someone really badly, or maybe i've never even tried loving someone really. I've heard songs, seen videos, read books about this four letter word that mean the world to people, but i've never experienced it, to the point that i question its mere existence. when i was young, love meant alot of riding on rollercoasters together, sharing food, allowing someone else to play your gameboy. growing older, i realised its so much more. its like sharing your gameboy and have it shoved back with its batteries out and a cracked screen. part of me feels like i'm missing out, yet another is screaming at me to avoid the inevitable hurt (that will follow) at all costs. and oh wells, its all for the better? lyrics paint love to be such a beautiful entity, or an ugly truth, its intriguing what it can morph into, given time. and the power to reduce someone strongwilled into mush fascinates me. 'seeing the future in your eyes' is hilarious to me at this point. we're too young to be seeing anything in anyone's eyes. i cannot imagine having someone restrict me from doing what i like, cant imagine having to 'report' to someone, or dictate my time with friends, and the pain that i've seen countless friends go through sends chills down my spine. i'm haunted by the idea of belonging to someone solely, and knowing fully well that they are allowed to leave anytime. not to mention the reliance and dependence on the other party that makes one vulnerable in every aspect imaginable.

Brings to mind what my he said after my very own mini heartbreak episode, never let yourself love the guy more. thats true to a certain extent, but what is love if it isnt vulnerable, unabashed, daunting, heartbreaking, oblivious? that said, i dont think i can ever tolerate infidelity, whether emotional or physical. it belittles a relationship in its entirety, and seeing some friends crying over their partner's indiscretions (and then taking them back) always makes me feel so sorry for them, but wonder about my own stance if i'm ever in their shoes. i wish i could say they're stupid and yell at them to wake up, but part of me isnt strong enough to be sure.

I'm totally digressing but i'm just thinking, i can never fathom not having control over your own emotions, and letting someone else have the upper hand over your mind, heart, actions, or allow them to compromise your values and principles in any way. I never did really get my heart broken, got it scratched, but never torn. just because my heart is still intact, maybe i guess i'm what you would call lucky. 

I really should be sleeping instead of pondering one of life's biggest questions. and pardon me for the mistakes, caps and uncaps in this whole entry. im just too tired to edit it. it's 2.30am now. I have just completed typing my report along with sips of milo mocha a moment ago. i have work tmrow and i need my sleep. I shall pronounce my hiatus/hibernating mode soon.

Love, N.